


lonely and in love (with your cooking)

by earthseaBorealis



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aka the characters are in their mid twenties!, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Alternate Universe - Post College/University, Cooking, Cooking classes, Homestuck Secret Santa Exchange 2019, Humanstuck, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22203901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthseaBorealis/pseuds/earthseaBorealis
Summary: John Egbert is fresh out of college, and the reality of adulthood is hitting him hard. But maybe, just maybe, a new recreational class can help him embrace his childishness and come to terms with his identity.
Relationships: John Egbert & Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dave Strider, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Sollux Captor/Karkat Vantas
Kudos: 33





	lonely and in love (with your cooking)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I was @technofantasia 's (on Tumblr) pinch gifter for the Homestuck Secret Santa Exchange! I really hope you enjoy it, as I had a ton of fun putting this au together! Happy (late) Holidays!

John groaned as he rolled onto the carpeted floor of his apartment. His bare arms burned with the action, only adding to his sudden burst of agony. Perhaps it was caused by his wish for more friends, his desire for adventure, or maybe it was just boredom, but whatever the case was, John desperately needed to do something. And no, that did not mean he would finally unpack the rest of his boxes from moving or pick up the mismatched socks on his floor. He rolled onto his stomach and pulled out his phone, and no, the screen was most definitely not shattered (and he especially didn’t drop it while playing Trivia Crack on the way to work). Hm… what should he search? Oh! He had it! He quickly typed ‘thibgs ti di nesr mr,’ which Google corrected to ‘things to do near me.’ God bless autocorrect. 

John scrolled through the results, muttering to himself, “Hm… okay... Shopping, ew no! Bar hopping?  _ Boring _ _!_ History museums? That’s Rose’s thing... Oh, recreational activities! Let’s see… pill-at-es? Not a mom. Pickleball? What the heck is that? Oh! Cooking classes.” It was a class for people fresh out of college looking to expand their culinary palate. He was twenty-two, living alone, and desperately looking for something to do, fitting the description perfectly. Plus, he totally needed to expand his palate by eating something other than his father’s dessert and microwave dinners… he didn’t have the money to get take-out and was getting absolutely sick of the limited choices. A person could only eat so much microwaved lasagna in their lifetime and John had eaten enough to last two. Oh, and Casey, his wonderful spotted salamander, needed to eat something other than plain worms and springtails… maybe he could make some gourmet crickets or flies for her. Oh, Casey… John looked towards her tank, and there she lay, in all her glorious beauty…

He was getting off-task… Anyways, he was so ready to become a suburban dad. Wait, no… was he becoming his dad? No, totally not, right? His dad baked, not cooked. Those weren’t the same things. Yeah, it was a completely different scenario. John quickly signed up for the class and he couldn’t wait! It started next week Thursday at 7:00. Only six more days to go… 

And those six days were absolute torture for John. He spent his weekend lounging around, letting Casey lay on his chest as he shoveled dry ‘Lucky Charms’ into his mouth while watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” Who didn’t love some good ol’ Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson? And John’s weekdays were composed of working at the local grocery store and searching for jobs. Who knew how difficult it would be to find a job in the Biology field… or well, to start out in the field. It was going to be fine, though! He was enjoying the life he had with Casey and who would care if he spent his life bagging groceries for the elderly. Not him, that’s for sure! But well, sometimes it was fun to have a bit of adventure… maybe that’s why he chose to take a cooking class on Thursday nights instead of watching movies from his teenage years. 

Whatever the case, John was practically bursting with energy as 6:30 approached, aka the appropriate to leave. He double-checked his breath, triple-knotted his shoelaces, and straightened his shirt and flannel (hey, it was trendy). First impressions are important and John wanted to learn as much as he could from this class! Maybe he’d find his true passion and become a  _ zoo _ , no,  _ sous  _ chef… John laughed as his joke as he closed the door to his apartment behind him. 

John’s mind buzzed the entire walk to the recreation building. He wondered what his classmates and teachers would be like, what kind of food they would make, and countless other random tangents. Some might call it nervousness, but John preferred to call it excitement. Oh boy, he couldn’t wait to finally meet some new possible friends!

The recreational building was a few blocks away from John’s apartment, so it only took him. a few minutes. Nevertheless, his cheeks and nose were bright red from the crisp winter air. It took him more time to actually find the classroom in the building than walk to it, but he eventually found his way to a brightly lit room. Inside, there were already a few people standing around in a circle. John checked his watch, 6:59… yes, right on time! A lady in the middle of the circle, who presumably was the instructor, clapped her hands to catch everyone’s attention, “Hello y’all! I’m Miss Crocker, but feel free to call me Jane. I’m so excited that y’all are here on this Thursday night! I was thinking we could go around the circle and introduce ourselves… how about we say our names, age, and hm… favorite movie? I’ll start! I’ve already said my name, but in case you forget, it’s Jane. I’m thirty-five and my favorite movie would have to be “Recipe For Love!” Fitting for the occasion, wouldn’t you say?”

John waited for his turn, bouncing his foot up and down as it moved through the circle. Just as it was about to be his turn, a young-ish Latino man walked through the door. He was breathing heavily as if he had just run here, but his words came out without any sign of tiredness, “Yo, sorry I’m late… is this the right place for the, uh, cooking class?”

“Yep! Don’t worry you didn’t miss much. We were just introducing ourselves. Feel free to join in the circle,” Jane chirped. 

He went over and stood on John’s right side… just in time for his turn! “Hey, I’m John Egbert, I’m twenty-two, and my favorite movie is Con Air!” Yes, perfect! 

The boy next to him chuckled and whispered to John, “Are you for real? I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.”

“Yeah, I’m serious. Any Nic Cage movie is legendary,” John exclaimed, before narrowing his eyes, “Like your taste is any better.”

“Nah dude, Nic Cage’s cool, but I mean, of course, my taste in movies is literally the bomb.com,” Dave replied, “Aw shit it’s my turn one sec. Yo, I’m Dave Strider, I’m twenty-one, and my favorite movie is the holiday classic, Diehard.”

“Oh my god, dude are you serious? You  _ would  _ call Diehard a holiday movie,” John laughed… quietly, of course… he didn’t want to interrupt the other introductions.

“Are you saying it’s not? Every year on Christmas eve, my kickass family sits around and watches Diehard. It’s the superior holiday tradition,” Dave deadpanned. 

“Okay class,” Jane interrupted, “Thank you for sharing wonderful information about yourselves! Now, let’s get into our first project. We’ll be making some Asian-style slaw, which is fairly easy and cheap… perfect for all y’all who are fresh out of college! This class will be taught in pairs, so feel free to grab someone next to you!”

Oh, yes! John was so excited to meet new people. He turned towards the late-boy… Dave… he meant Dave, “Hey, you wanna partner up?”

Dave elbowed him, “Hell yeah, but you’re cooking skills better than your taste in movies.”

“Haha, very funny,” John said sarcastically.

Jane was right, the recipe itself was fairly easy, but that didn’t mean that it necessarily went well. Dave was an absolute disaster in the kitchen, though John wasn’t much better. He was way better at baking, because of his dad, but he swore to never do that again. He still couldn’t stand the taste of frosting or cake. Whatever the case, their cooking station was an absolute disaster. Mint leaves, cabbage, and all the other green stuff were messily scattered across the countertop and the floor… and somehow, some stray chunks of food had made their way onto the stovetop. Still, John was having an absolutely wonderful time. Dave was awesome! Of course, he had an awful taste in music and movies, but he was a super cool dude.

“Okay, so next, we gotta pour some of this apple juice looking stuff all over these green things, and then bam, instant deliciousness,” Dave said, providing some great commentary (that totally didn’t cause the pair next to him to burst out laughing). 

“First, that’s fish oil, and second, aren’t we supposed to add that after the scallions,” John asked, trying to keep a straight face, but clearly failing at such attempt. 

Dave moved to pour the oil, “John, my number one dude for approximately one hour… I know what I’m doing and this fishy dressing wants on these veggies pronto.”

“Just the dad of one wonderful salamander, John moved to push him aside, but without much force, he only ended up nudging Dave with his elbow, “Don’t be messing up my slaw… she’s my daughter, or well, my second daughter… Casey’s my first, and they’re both gonna be so sad if fish oil gets on them!”

“Awe is Egbert a little suburban dad,” Dave joked.

John winked while finger-gunning, “Just the dad of one wonderful salamander.”

“My bad, my bad,” He surrendered, “But asking for a friend, what kind of salamander is she?”

“Oh! She’s a spotted salamander standing at 10 inches. She’s basically the biggest and beautiful-est amphibian you’ll ever see.”

Dave whistled (in amazement), “Damn, are you serious?”

After continuing to talk about reptiles for the next ten minutes, the pair finally finished up their masterpiece, only messing up a few times… Was it really such a big deal if they added a few too many tablespoons of sriracha? Probably not. Besides, their finished slaw looked pretty amazing, even Jane had said so. 

“So… should we try it,” John asked hesitantly. 

“Hell yeah, let’s dig into this wonderful family meal. Is the table set? Is everyone listening? It’s time to feast on this amazing Asian Slaw.”

The two poked at their masterpiece, awkwardly pulling some of the assorted vegetables away. Fuck, it was spicy, because apparently adding too much siracha had that effect. After choking for a few moments, John was the first to speak, “Damn, this is good. I’m in love with you...r cooking. You make a mean slaw.” Wait, what? What was wrong with him? Where was he even going with that? 

Dave flashed an ok sign at him, “Dude, this is delicious. We have to partner up next week and make some more good food. Are you ready to channel your inner housewife?”

John’s stomach dropped all of a sudden, but he made sure to nod slowly in agreement. He could hear the drumming of his heartbeat as he nervously gulped, and he could feel his face turn red. What was wrong with him? 

More weeks passed and John still felt sick at every cooking class. Maybe he was allergic to something, but he thought it had to do with his feelings for Dave. Of course, they weren’t romantic feelings… it was more like he was just super cool and John looked up to him? Even though they were pretty much the same age. He didn’t know what to do, so he went to the one person who’d know what to do! He’d be able to solve all of John’s questions! 

“Oh my god, Karkat… I have to tell you about this guy in my cooking class. He is the worst in the best way possible,” John gushed, well, not gushed… more like groaned. Yeah, that was a good word.

“John, I mean this is the best way possible, but what the fuck? It’s three in the morning and I have class at eight,” Karkat groaned, his voice laced with tiredness. Oops, turned out John had chosen a night where Karkat was actually sleeping.

“Dude, please,” John whined, “You’re the best at this kind of stuff! I just want some help. Please, do it for your childhood friend. You know I’d do the same for you.”

“You’d bitch and moan about how I interrupted your precious beauty sleep,” Karkat mocked.

“Karkat, I can’t believe you! I would never ever,” John gasped, “But next time, I pinky promise that you can wake me up at three a.m. and go on one of your rants.”

“Fine, whatever, just tell me what’s up so I can go to sleep and wake up at the ass crack of dawn,” Karkat muttered. In the background, John could hear the shuffling of blankets and the little pitter-patters of feet. Heehee, that was a cute way of saying that he was walking, and it made John think of a cat... Like Karkat, beep beep meow! That joke would never grow old. 

“Okay… where to start,” John pondered, “Oh! So there’s this really cool dude in my cooking class and we’re partners! And we really hit it off! But, now, I feel all nervous around him… My hands get clammy and my stomach feels like I’m on a rollercoaster. Am I just intimidated by him? I think that’s it… he’s just super fashionable and god, he wears the coolest shades. Straight out of a Ben Stiller movie.”

“Are you seriously this dumb? Is it so fucking hard to see that you have a crush? On the dumbest guy on the planet? Deadass, who wears aviator shades? For real, it’s twenty fucking nineteen,” Karkat spat.

“It’s fashionable,” John defended, “And I don’t have a schoolboy crush on Dave. I’m not gay… I’ve liked girls before!”

“You’ve told me a million times… I’m just reading between the lines. Face it, man, John Egbert is 100% not a heterosexual, and there are other sexualities than just being gay. We’ve had this talk before.”

“I’m not a character in one of your romance novels,” John protested. Karkat was wrong. 100% wrong. He wasn’t gay. Karkat needed to tell the difference between real life and his books. 

“Fine, whatever. Go search the internet for some shitty advice or something. Just actually think about this instead of shoving it away, like you always fucking do,” Karkat huffed, “But do it by yourself. I’m going to bed, and I  _ will  _ be cashing in my side of the deal soon!”

“Fine, good night, sleep tight, hope the bed bugs bite,” John said as he angrily threw his phone down on his bed. 

Pfft, yeah right. Karkat was full of shit! There was no way that he had a crush on someone he had just met. Especially a boy nonetheless. John Egbert was 100% not a homosexual. He was a ladies man. Like, there was that one chick from his Sophomore Calculus 2 class. She was nice, and John really liked her! Sure, their relationship had only lasted three days, but that was just because he didn’t feel the same way. But still… He liked girls! Bam! Not gay!

Ugh, but yet, there was still that nasty feeling in his stomach. John sighed and decided to maybe listen to Karkat’s dumb advice, so he reached over to grab his previously-discarded phone and opened up Google, typing in “i like girls but i might have a crush on my friend that’s also a boy?” 

Three pages in and John was already confused. He wasn’t gay. Or was he? Or maybe he was Bi? Pan? Quora and Buzzfeed quizzes told him he could possibly be Bisexual, but that was such a strange concept. He probably didn’t have a crush on Dave, and he was at least 95% not gay. Yah, it was just admiration. Dave had that cool sense of style, with his skinny jeans and aviators. Oh, and he had such a lovely smile whenever they would crack jokes together… and oh god what he was talking about? Was this his life now? Was he just some guy having a midlife crisis at the ripe age of twenty-two? It was fine. He could deal with this later.

A few more weeks had passed and that horrible feeling hadn’t left John, but that didn’t stop him from still going to class. It was fun, and he enjoyed the company of the other students! On this particular night, after class, the air was crisp and John’s nose was already started to turn red and sting, but that didn’t mean John wouldn’t help out all of his classmates out and hold the door as they walked out in a big group. He waved goodbye as they passed out the door and was about to head out on his merry way when, all of a sudden, he heard a familiar voice say, “Yo John, could we talk for a quick sec?”

“Oh, of course,” John said as he closed the door and turned to face Dave, who was wearing his kickass shades despite it being night. Eh, John didn’t care. It looked good… in a platonic bro sense. 

“Okay, sooo,” Dave drawled. He fiddled with his fingers inside of his sweatshirt and turned his head away from John, acting almost as if he was stalling… that was a silly thought though! 

“Dave, it’s just me, John… aka you’re favorite salamander dad,” John joked, “But seriously, I’m not going to judge you or whatever you say. We’re bros.”

“You’re right,” Dave chuckled, “I forget that your that dude on the airplane that says ‘but sir, this is my emotional support salamander… she’s gotta have her own seat too.’ Oh god, John please don’t tell me you postpone the flight because of your attachment to your pet.”

“Casey’s the best and no flight attendant can tell me otherwise, but bold of you to assume I have the money to fly anywhere,” John joked back before pausing, “But really, you can’t have just wanted to talk about her, so really, what’s up?”

He sighed, “You got me… Okay, so… I’m just gonna be straight with this, okay not really but you get the just of it. So, I know we’re pretty much bosses in the kitchen together and despite knowing you for like point-two seconds, we’re basically bros for life now, but dude, I want us to be more than that. You catch my drift?”

“Duh, of course, Dave! I feel the same way! We’re more than just bros… we’re bfl’s! Bro’s for life,” John exclaimed. He thought Dave felt the same way! They bonded over their horrible cooking skills to make some amazing cheesy breadsticks. 

“Well yeah… but well, more than that. Dude, I don’t know if I’m reading you right, but I’m basically the most bi guy out there. Like you know the parody of ‘spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can?’ Well, that’s me except it’s ‘Biderman, Biderman, does whatever he wants to do.’ Bitches be singing that whenever I walk into a room.” 

Ohhh…. Well fuck… This is where it’s heading. He’s catching on now… Uh well, this is awkward. John always felt really weird in these kinds of scenarios… Was he being too mom-ish? Was he supposed to make a big deal out of this? He had a ton of gay and bi friends… but he didn’t know if Dave wanted this to be a big thing. John guessed he could just try his best to supportive! 

With a slightly shaky voice, he replied, “I’m glad that you feel comfortable to share that with me! I fully support you and I’m totally down to talk about any crushes. We could turn it into a whole night and watch movies. Oh, are you more of a Nicholas Cage kind of dude or-”

Dave cut him off, “Thanks, I appreciate it, but that’s not really where I was going with that. I was trying to ask you out on a, you know, date? Maybe go see a movie, if that’s what you dig… really whatever you’re chill with. If you’re chill with it.”

John opened his mouth to say no, but all that came out was a pathetic croak. He closed his mouth and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. It was hard to reject people… he just felt like a big ol’ jerk. But well… maybe he didn’t want to exactly say no? Like, maybe he was beginning to take Karkat’s words to heart. John couldn’t continue to ignore the signs. The way his cheeks flushed when Dave would wipe flour on his nose or the way butterflies filled his stomach when showing off their latest food masterpiece. 

Maybe it was okay to feel this way. Karkat said so, and he wasn’t ashamed of talking about his boyfriend, Sollux. Rose was gay and cool… Oh, and Zachary Quinto was badass as Spock, and well, he was gay. Maybe he could do this. Hey, sometimes it could be okay to be a bit selfish and chase after some things, even if it was something that past you would have never imagined! Maybe he was at least 50% gay? Ugh, that’d mean that Karkat was right. Whatever. It was fine. He’d be fine. 

John took a deep breath, “Sorry, I was being dumb about the whole thing… and you know what, I’d love to go on a date sometime. How does next Friday sound?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading :D Check out my Tumblr @culturalbloominggirl if you'd like to chat or suggest a fic!


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